If Only

“A bridge of silver wings stretches from the dead ashes of an unforgiving nightmare to the jeweled vision of a life started anew.”

For the first time in life, on a new year’s day the vessel was full and the brim became wet with drop by drop the liquid falling into it. At some point then, it overflowed and the liquid spilled, spreading all over the floor. Sometimes holding back the wild horses is not successful. They are stronger than your grip. So all you can do is let them go away, let them run wild and they will stop after precipitating hard. Past year, the very special 2012, can only be described as the most amazing and full of surprises. A year, which was a box of chocolates and of course, I never knew which one I was going to eat next. Some were sweet, very sweet that made my taste buds numb to sweetness. Some were Dairy Milk chocolates that you can relish anytime, in any mood and are used to their taste since childhood. Some were from Belgium, Swiss exciting my nerves and bringing a new joy and some were dark. In the bitterness, dark ones revealed a new sensation to buds. But sometimes, if you put something in your mouth, you got to swallow it, even if you don’t like the bitterness because you cannot throw it away when you took the risk happily to explore the new varieties.

When you make your way through life, turning the turns and making your flow, you feel strong. But then this belief sets aback, when life shows you that it has more power than you think you own. It can bring anything to you that you could not have even imagined of. It will carry you away with surprises, shocks and you will be left helpless, wondering why. Why. The only word that makes me helpless, that leaves me powerless, that shatters my hopes and forces me to succumb to the great mystery of life. I hate mysteries, I hate surprises. Determined life, known destinations are safer. With this unknown territory that one walks in, one never knows the mountains and pit falls one might face. Gardens, valleys may also be there but the point is you never know. And yes, there will be no reason, no answer to why. The more I tried, or still try to solve this puzzle of the life bounded with whys, I become more helpless, more succumbed to destiny, to that mysterious power which is ruling this world, just the way it wants. No matter if it’s the wrong or the right way, it’s just its way. And we, we mere creatures are no one to question why. But despite the storms, the winds, somewhere in the backyard, an indomitable spirit provokes the soul, holds it back, and carries the flickering flame of hope and faith of those unreal dreams, which burns fighting till it’s death. That’s what life is all about. I sometimes feel exhausted of understanding this. This crap of philosophy, of life, why can’t we just move without pressuring our nerves, by going against our instincts of exploring? This wears one out to the depth.

If only things are the way we want them to be, if only Life is determined, if only promises are kept, if only Life is just, if only you could get all the answers, the answers to all the whys, and if only this day could have been different, Life would have been complete. Complete with the series of dreams coming true, complete with the surprises it could offer to you, complete with the absence of this presence. But Life is still complete in its own way, just I don’t know which way it is. But if only, if only I could know.

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